When Grandparents Are Around

Grandparents are indeed a valuable and loving part of a child’s life, and the most reliable child care support system parents can access. Locally here, the majority of Malaysian couples stay with their parents-in-law. According to a 2004 nationwide study conducted among Malaysian households with older persons aged 60 years and above, 63.2% of those families comprised of grandparents, parents and children (Aziz RA. Akademika 2007;70:103-115).

Live-in grandparents offer…

However, conflicts may arise when they go a little overboard to interfere with the way you raise your kids, or undermine your authority as a parent. Sometimes, a minor disagreement, if mishandled, can evolve into a major argument.

How can you overcome those parenting disputes and maintain a harmonious relationship within the family?

What you can do

First of all, there is no definite right or wrong in the way you or the grandparents want the child to be raised. It is a matter of style and opinion. But you can always try to find a middle ground agreeable to both sides.

• You and your spouse should have first agreed on the principles of your child’s upbringing. In the event of a disagreement with the grandparents, make an effort to communicate with them on your stand in a respectful manner.
• Listen and respond to their comments and advice. If the advice is useful, thank them. If you dislike their advice, no need to get defensive either. Instead, you can say, “Thank you, I have not thought of that, but I will keep it in mind.”
• Lay down the rules and make an agreement upfront, eg in which area and when the children should follow your rules, and when the grandparent’s rules apply.
• Sometimes it is okay to let go. If what they want to do is not something you are strongly against or going to hurt your child, consider letting them have their way.
• If you feel that your parents or in-laws are getting too involved in raising your kids, consider hiring a babysitter or sending your kids to a daycare centre.

When disagreement becomes a heated argument

When this happens, both sides get hurt emotionally. This situation needs to be repaired early in order to ensure a harmonious family relationship.

• When the argument is not leading to any solution, get away from the intense atmosphere to allow both of you time to cool off.
• You can try to talk to the grandparents again after you have calmed down. Better still, ask your spouse to be the “middle person” if the conflict is between you and your inlaws. They will probably discuss better with their own son or daughter.
• Whatever disagreements you have had with your child’s grandparents, do not hold grudges against them. Just know that you all are completely different personalities, with different levels of experience and knowledge. You can work together and raise your kids the best way you can.